On Top of the World

It’s the little things in life.  These are the things to which you give no second thought…until…

Until you lose them.  And then they occupy all of your attention.

But this story is about the finding of them (hopefully).  The last couple days have been glorious.  Why?  Well…I seem to have found myself a car and a job!  Running the risk of counting my embryonic  birds pre-shell-cracking, I’m getting VERY excited.

The car is an OLD (and I mean like 23-year-0ld) Honda, manual, vibrant yellow little thing.  If I’m lucky it’ll last me a year with no real problems.  And this car will do everything I want it to!  It will get me out of this house arrest, and, even better, it will do it with exquisitely low gas milage!  Oh yeah!

The job (I have an interview tomorrow) is for a serving position at a family restaurant down the road from my house!  Not exactly what I planned to do with a Psych degree, but hey, I have people skills…we’ll see!

Money and transportation: All I could ever ask for.

But this brings me to the most exciting news of the week: A renewed dream for graduate school.

I’ve been researching seminary for some time and, although well enthused by the general idea, I had yet to find a school that echoed my heart…until yesterday.  And the winner is…

Talbot, Biola, SoCal…YES.  (http://www.talbot.edu/).

As I researched their school, reading articles and exploring their website, I amazedly observed my own heart in every line.  Here I could study Christian apologetics with passionate intellects who’s goals are to converse clearly in meaningful conversations with the world.

Re-motivated and reenergized, I reenter my week with renewed hope for my future.  This song has become my mantra:

I’m the Best. No, I won’t prove it.

I have a sister named Hannah…and Hannah is almost always right.

Hannah is smart, insightful, analytical.  She is also beautiful and hysterical.  She makes me laugh all day.

She’s engaged. (I know…sorry).

This week Hannah told me I was competitive.  This is significant, because I adamantly announce (on a semi-frequent basis) that I am NOT competitive.  I HATE competition.  It makes me nervous and edgy and generally unhappy and eventually exhausted.  But, Hannah thinks I don’t like competition because I am fiercely competitive and I don’t want to risk losing.  Hmmm.

So I have been thinking about my own determination to be the best.  I do love thinking I am the best at something.  It gives me a reason to be!  What can I offer if someone else is able to offer more?  I have to have a niche.  But how realistic is this?  And how paralyzing is the fear of failure?  And how pride-based is this?

I found this song…it’s fun to sing and it could be my mantra except I’m terrified of it.  I’m not at a place where I can just give up the fight to be the best.  If I’m giving competition the boot, I need a strong motivator to replace it.  I’m not sure I have one…and I can’t loose my drive.  I CAN’T.

*Note-this song has mild profanity 🙂

You said I could. I will.

It’s quiet in the room…because I am by myself.  I’m not sad.  Not right now.  I’m just alone, in my house.

It’s not quiet in my head.  In my head I am frantically trying to fight my way out of the lack of direction, the unemployment, the planlessness.  I do have a goal, but it feels lofty, and my friends are graduating from college and working fast-food, cleaning, and doing the things we did before we were in debt…when we were kids.

But apparently I’m not a kid anymore, and I still see sunshine out my window.  This is a day-by-day walk through the struggle of achievement.  I am dedicating it to my peers-as we push forward to achieve what we have been told is ours.